Kelly, neurotypical: I'm the neurotypical wife of a neurodivergent man. When we got married in 2015, I'd never even heard the words 'neurotypical' or 'neurodivergent.'
It's not easy to describe what it felt like to learn that my husband of almost four years was autistic.
One one hand, there was a sense of relief. Maybe there was a reason that we were suffering in our marriage, and maybe there was a reason that every day was so difficult. Maybe it could be fixed.
On the other hand, I knew absolutely nothing about autism (other than what I'd seen in the media), and, quite frankly, I felt like I was stuck in the middle of something I hadn't signed up for. At all.
Just a few months before we received the diagnosis, and right after we learned that we were expecting a baby.
Where are the resources?
I had no idea how to move forward with the knowledge of my husband's autism. I didn't know what to think or what to say, so I did what I do best - I started reading. General information about autism was easy to find, as was information about children with autism. But information for a newly diagnosed adult, let alone a husband and soon-to-be father, was virtually non-existent.
Worse yet, the information that I did find ranged from the depressing to the terrifying. Books with titles like 'Alone, Together.' Search prompts like 'How do you live with autistic spouse?' and 'How do I deal with my autistic husband?' References to something called the Cassandra Syndrome. Statistics about suicide rates in adults with autism. Certainly nothing that inspired confidence and very little that resembled a resource.
Happily ever after?
The reading material and resources I managed to locate in those early months didn't give me much hope that my husband and I would live happily ever after, or even that we would be able to successfully raise our child together (I was six months pregnant when we received his diagnosis).
My husband and I would have given anything in those early months to have searched the internet and found examples of content neurodivergent couples, successfully parenting, building happy lives together...
So, this blog. All the things that we wish we had known, the things that have helped, the things that have been hard, the battles we've fought, the rare resources that we have found... that's what you'll find here. If you have an autistic spouse, an autistic parent, an autistic friend, an autistic child, or if you love someone with autism, this blog is for you!
What we wish we'd known: Neurodivergent couples can live and parent happily together, and the ASD diagnosis is an important tool that helps us understand how to make our life together work.
Being diagnosed with ASD was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Josh, neurodiverse: My entire life always felt so much harder than it should have been. I wasn’t normal; I couldn’t have been. It was not until I was in my forties that I learned why; I am autistic. At least now I understand myself a little better. All of that did not come at once, but after four decades of struggling and almost losing the battle far too many times. Admittedly I still do not understand most things, but I hope in sharing what I have come to understand that someone else might have an easier time of things.
The signs were there
In retrospect there were always so many red flags that now would have been quickly caught. I fixated on extremely particular things. I rarely connected with people and had relationships even less. And bonding more easily with animals. I obsessed over and spent so many nights searching to understand why people became friends.... or what it meant to be a friend. I was completely alone in the most crowded of rooms. The friendships I did have for a large part of my life were toxic - but I felt that was all I deserved. So many things always confused or escaped me. I knew I didn’t belong. Being diagnosed with ASD was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was as if someone shifted the entire world into focus. I didn’t understand the things I struggle with any better but did realize why I struggled. I learned, and am learning, how to play to my strengths, and what weaknesses to be wary of. I do my best to lean into what I am, and not what society tells me I am supposed to be. It wasn’t made with me in mind anyhow. Perhaps one of the most interesting parts of being diagnosed was other people’s reactions. My parents didn’t want to believe it and took a while to accept it. I got some strange responses when I shared it with some. Another is the collective perception of ASD. Resources are nonexistent for adults, and there are so many sources that are so horribly bleak. If I can shine even the slightest light in that darkness I will be happy.
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