Josh, neurodivergent: Something that, to my understanding, autistics share is that we tend to fixate on something(s). I absolutely do, and tend to have two distinct types of fixations.
The first type is when there's something I can fix. An example is a recent incident involving my eldest dog Smeagol (yes, named from Lord of the Rings). Smeagol (or Neenu, as our daughter calls him) is in late-stage heart failure. When he crossed the threshold from heart disease (which was something that could be managed) and into heart failure, he almost died at home. I was able to get him the local university's emergency medicine vet and, long story short, he spent a few hours in an oxygen chamber. The vet tech advised that we keep Smeagol in the oxygen chamber overnight, but it would run over three thousand dollars - so unfortunately, it was not an option. But in the moment, in my head, building an oxygen chamber at home sure as hell was an option! Overnight, I researched and drew up plans and found everything I would require to make it work. Seriously... the entire thing. Excitedly, I told Kelly, and in her kindest WTF face, she repeated back to me a summary of what I had said to her. I started laughing, because WTF is right.
I don’t see fixating on things as good or bad, but do make attempts to manage them to some degree (above example notwithstanding). I usually realize when I am getting sucked into something, so I can at least make an attempt to be realistic. I also think there is certainly a good side to being so devoted to things. Our daughter wanted a treehouse, so I built a treehouse. Kelly wanted a calm area to relax, so I made that. If Kelly says how much she wants something, it's going to happen one way or another, though almost certainly entirely not as she intended. Luckily my response to most everything is to find humor in it, so it doesn’t bother me when this happens. I assume when I was little and didn’t know how to navigate how I felt and social settings I just realized making someone laugh was an easy escape from it, so here we are. Everything can be a joke.
The other flavor of fixation for me is things that I can be obsessive about things I enjoy and they can take precedence over, well, kind of anything and everything else. Disney. I grew up on the movies like many kids, but what it really came from is, as I remember it,
the first time we went to the Magic Kingdom. It was the first time that I felt like everyone
belonged, and was cemented in my brain as “good”. I really can’t begin to explain what Disney does
for me. If I am having a bad day, more often than not I will put on a random YouTube video of
someone going through the parks or something and honestly, the mood is gone before the show
is over. It is literally going from being in the dumps to clouds nine. There is a publication I follow
and receive called WDW Magazine. I have for a couple of years now since Kelly discovered it. That
is another thing that helps hugely. It's like a monthly dose of happiness.
Marvel. I was a very sick little kid (epileptic), and was on a lot of medication that often was pretty
rough on me. We were at the pharmacy a lot, and Mom would usually get me something for “being
good”. I don’t think how I behaved had any part in it, but that is beside the point. Anyway, one time
when I was 5 I wanted a comic book. Wolverine, to be specific. To be fair, Mom had no idea what
Wolverine was and I’m sure didn’t get it a second thought. It was my first one, and immediately
became my weekly thing from the pharmacy. Wolverine introduced me to so many other heroes
and villains, and my interest spidered out across the Marvel multiverse from there. For almost my
entire life, I have been huge into comic books and with the more recent Disney- Marvel movies it
has only gotten that much more so.
The last big one would possibly be the most consuming, and that is Dungeons & Dragons and role
playing games. When I was six, Andrew, a friend on my softball team, brought his older sister over
and she taught us how to play. Back then, the game was very different than it is now. Essentially,
she would draw a map on graph paper and Andrew and I would navigate the twists and turns,
and she would throw monsters at us and give us treasure. Role playing wasn’t so much a part of it
as smashing goblins and orcs. I was immediately drawn in, again, and got my first boxed set of rules
not long after. It was a rabbit hole to other worlds, and no matter how shitty life got, which was
pretty extreme at times, it was always a safe space to escape to. And boy did I. To this day, I role
play bi-weekly and that has often been the most consistent thing in my chaotic life. I often wanted
to be anything but what I was, and this was literally that. In forty years of playing, it has been a
huge part of my socialization, space to work around emotions and thoughts, and blow off steam.
While I can’t really understand emotions in myself and other people well, I am amazingly adept at
pretending to be someone who can. But I think that is largely due to being a chameleon my entire
life to try to fit in.
To many, this all probably just looks like I'm an enthusiast or hobbyist, and on the surface I don’t think that is entirely incorrect. Where it differs, however, is how consuming it becomes, and the impact on me if there are interruptions to whatever. If I’m doing a thing, pretty much the rest of the world is background noise and tuned out. A good example is years ago I played an online video game a lot. I was on disability and not sleeping, so that is what I did with my time. Anyway, I was on so much I got to be friends with a group of people that were very serious. To them, the game was a job and they played like it. There were multiple times where I played for 20+ hours, and more than I'd care to admit, easily cleared a day and a half. I didn’t answer the phone or door and didn’t really eat. Not great. At one time, fitness was a fixation as well. When I was very into bodybuilding nothing else much mattered. I was spending 4-5 hours in the gym a day at least 6 days a week. The first fight Kelly and I had when we were dating was due to her making dinner for me and it was pasta. Pasta was absolutely not part of my current diet plan. It didn’t help that I had absolutely no idea why she was mad and why my reason didn’t make perfect sense.
What we wish we'd known: When Josh declined to eat the pasta feast that Kelly made, it wasn't because he was a big jerk.
Kelly, neurotypical: I love that Josh uses the word 'devoted.' When I met him, I could see that he lived quietly in a small social circle, but that he was incredibly invested in those people and activities (and animals) that he made a part of his life. This was equally attractive and intimidating - the kind of devotion he is capable of isn't something you see every day. I like the word 'devotion' better than fixation to describe the way he approaches the things in his life that bring him joy. I feel very fortunate that my daughter and I are among those to whom he is truly devoted.
When I think about Josh' fixations, I think about how he gets stuck on problems he can solve and things he can fix or build. The other day I made the mistake of mentioning that I wanted to rearrange our guest room, and before I knew it, it was done... at the expense of everything else Josh had planned to do that day. This has great advantages - when something needs done, it gets done, no matter how many trips to the hardware store it requires. Projects don't tend to sit half-finished... as long as Josh sees them as important or a priority. (If he doesn't think it is a priority, it won't get done.... here I cite the non-functional microwave that is still hanging above our stove, not too far from the working microwave on the counter.)
Overall, Josh' behavior when he's fixated on something isn't terribly different from the way I act when I'm in the middle of a good book. However, there are times when his behavior seems compulsive or when the fixation becomes all-consuming. For the most part, I try not to mention projects that I know he might fixate on when there are other priorities in play, and I try to give him a wide berth when he's in the grips of something... much like I hope he will do for me when the next Kate Morton or Diana Gabaldon books come out!
With regards to the pasta incident of 2013 that Josh mentioned above, suffice it to say that 'I don't eat pasta, let's go out,' is never the proper response when your new girlfriend has prepared a four-course Italian feast for you. While I'm glad that Josh is incredibly health-conscious, I'm relieved that some of his fitness and dietary fixations are in the past.
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