Kelly, neurotypical: When I met Josh, I knew he was different - in ways that delighted me. He was refreshingly candid, singularly focused on me when we were together, and he seemed to know exactly what he wanted out of a relationship. There were no games, and I never had to wonder what he was thinking or what our 'relationship status' was, because he told me.
An early date to a friend's wedding.
After a few dates, Josh told me that, from his perspective, we were committed to each other, and it wasn't long before he told me that he loved me. It was intimidating, but his decisiveness was freeing, in a way. I didn't have a lot of time or room to overthink things or get in my own way, and I could just be with him and know that I was secure in our relationship.
Looking back through the filter of ASD, I could say that he was 'unfiltered,' 'socially awkward,' 'fixated,' 'an overly black-and-white thinker'...and maybe that's so (and I'm sure he would agree that he is, at times, those things). But at this point, it seems to me a matter of perspective. He shared details on our first date that someone else might not and told some stories that were a bit off-color, but I left our first encounter feeling like I knew who he was and what type of person I was dealing with. And although my understanding of him has changed over time to include his diagnosis, he is still exactly who I thought he was, and the things that I love about him are just him, whether or not they're typical of a person with ASD.
That's not to say that our relationship has all been a walk in the park...
There is no artifice and there is very little superficiality to Josh, and he is a terrible liar. That also means that he does not believe in flattery and does not understand my need for the occasional compliment. He also doesn't know how to be cautious with his words, and sometimes that is very hard.
Once past what some would call the 'fixation' stage of our relationship, I haven't always felt that I am the object of his focus, and affection has not been consistent.
Our communication styles do not match. At all. Therapy has been incredibly helpful in this area. More on this in another post.
We both have to be very mindful and work very hard to communicate with each other effectively. At the end of the day, we are both part of the 'problematic' aspects of our relationship, and we both have to be part of the solution. More on this in another post, too.
We are both a bundle of attributes that either contradict or complement each other. We have control over the way we react to each other and the grace we grant each other (and ourselves), and that's what allows it to work (along with a whole bunch of therapy and help from our loved ones!).
What I wish I'd known (Kelly): When we received Josh's diagnosis, I really struggled with the fact that many of the attributes that had attracted me to Josh are those attributes that are components of ASD. It was hard for me not to see ASD as an affliction, and many of his attributes as 'symptoms.' With time, therapy, and lots of reading and talking to each other, I can now see that ASD is just the label we use to identify the type of brain Josh has. Like any bundle of human attributes, they have their good and bad manifestations, and in this society that isn't built for people like him, we experience more pitfalls and hardship than some. We have to employ more mindfulness and intentionality toward our relationship than I ever expected, and I do grieve some of the ways my relationship is different than I expected it would be. But the work is worth it, and I wouldn't trade our journey for anyone else's.
Josh, neurodivergent: Looking back, I was hilariously bad at dating. I went on many first dates, but rarely many more followed. Often, I fell off due to how much energy getting to know someone takes vs. how interested I was in trying. Frequently, frankly, I am off-putting by accepted social standards. Until someone specifically explained that, I never had any idea but looking back…ya. I use few words to get my point across and tend to be more blunt. I say what I think and if I am asked I am happy to share that. In my mind the only reason to not be forthcoming was in an attempt to be duplicitous. I saw no reason to beat around the bush or play games. But that applies to most things now that I think of it. I think it is also an issue of what I consider relevant or how I associate things. I’m weird, and I’m good with that. One morning when I was eating breakfast and about to go to a morning class I was checking email when one caught my eye. eHarmony had sent me something saying that for the weekend you could see profile pictures without paying. It sounded like a good way to see if you were at least compatible with someone and kind of skip the awkward meeting things, so I did it. I did all the quizzes and such and it threw some matches at me. Kelly was the first one that I contacted, and she rather quickly responded. It told me to contact her then I had to ask some questions or something to start it, so I did. She responded with a message that she would rather just meet than waste time with the silly questions. I was torn between whether to meet her or not because this was exactly what I was trying to avoid by using eHarmony, and appreciating her honesty. She was a hot redhead, so the latter won out. (Kelly's note: It's awkward for me to publish this line, but considering the infrequency of compliments I receive from my husband, I hope you'll indulge me.)
Our first date was at a baseball game. For whatever reason, my tickets had gotten a free upgrade to a table in the lounge, so that was a nice bonus. I don’t remember a ton, but definitely how easy she was to talk to, how pretty she was, and how I felt comfortable. That was rare enough that it stood out when it happened. I remember thinking that this was it. Our following dates happened quickly, and the beginning stages were a lot of fun. She tried to break it off a few times, but I ignored it and kept on. It was clear we were thinking differently about things, but I had decided I was going to take it all the way so I wasn't deterred. Where I think it really was clear was when we took a trip together. I had planned it all out, and had gotten an engagement ring. Thinking back there were so many instances that it was so clearly unexpected by Kelly, but mostly so when I actually did propose. We were at Magic Kingdom in Orlando, Florida and the weather was hilariously bad. Like the park flooded up to my shin kind of rain. But the park was pretty empty due to that, so we really got some awesome opportunities to do things. At the end of the day, it finally was not raining and Kelly was tired and ready to go home. So on the way out, I told her I wanted to stop and get a picture from one of the Disney photographers in front of Cinderella’s castle as a keepsake. As I was sitting my stuff down I told the woman what I was going to do in hopes she could capture it. She told us to smile, so I went down on one knee. Kelly was clearly surprised because she was frozen so long that the parade was almost on top of us!
Before my diagnosis we really went through a rough patch, but afterwards things really got so much better. Communication was naturally an issue and my therapist had us both in one time for a session on how we speak and process. It was life changing. We are vastly different with what is important to us, how we think, and what we want or need. None of which have been easy, but I think has made us so much closer as a result.
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